I'm a homeschool mom. Failure isn't an option for my children - I'm there to guide them each and every step, and to adjust instruction as needed to insure success.
This first year, failure broke me.
I sat up for hours after the night her group met the last time this year and cried. I failed.
No one would believe it, to see my daughter. She's smart, advanced, and has grown mentally and socially so much in the past year. She received an award for leadership in her class.
Leadership.
My daughter.
The one who hides behind me when meeting people and refuses to even tell her daddy what she learned in school that week. My awkwardly shy child, out there being a leader in her group.
What a success! I should be proud - and I am. I am beyond proud and happy for her accomplishments.
Still failure broke me.
No, my daughter didn't fail.
Figure it out yet?
I failed.
I spent every day of our weekly community days not witnessing my child grow.
I homeschool my child, mainly so I have an active hand in everything and can witness how she does things.
Fail.
I finally confessed this feeling to my husband. Do you know what he said to me?
"You mean you didn't get it perfect the first year?"
.......
Wow. That hit me square in the face. 😤😑😩😔
I love my husband for many reasons, but God blessed him with he ability to say the right things to get me back in track.
I didn't get it perfect the first year.
How could I have expected to, really? I am not perfect. I may have a degree in education, but never trained for elementary education. I taught public school- very different situation.
My self-expectations were way too high and my self-confidence was truly SELF-confidence, not God-led confidence.
I thought I could be the perfect homeschool mom, first year in.
I did a lot of things right - by the grace of God.
I failed some too.
Am I a failure? No. In spite of how I felt about it, I was still doing what God wanted. God led, He guided, and He took care of it all.
Looking back, I can see how it did my daughter good too.
Do I want to change things for next year?
Definitely.
God allowed me to see something I could do differently, something that would be better.
He used the year to grow my child - and to grow me.
So really, I'm not a failure. God loves me for who He has made me and who He is turning me into.
His mercies renew each morning
His grace is sufficient when I am deficient (which is often, let's be honest).
"He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be. He's still working on me."
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